Sometimes
it’s just me out here

Alone
in an ever expanding universe

Stars
and ghostly night enshrouded trees
and the beat of my heart
breath entering
and leaving my lungs
to remind me I’m alive

I spend too much time
thinking about you
I think this must be a bad thing
It’s a part of love, of our love

But sometimes
I think I love too hard,
too much

Christmas is a nightmare this year
A very torturous, long nightmare
My first one alone
in fourteen years
It means I have too many
unwanted thoughts,
too many memories
and a battalion of ghosts

Visits to grocery stores
filled with a kind of chant
that sounds like a dull roar
to my sensitive ears

But is really just fragments
And layers
of conversations
*”They’re out of dill, Mary…
*What was next*
*on the list?*
*Coconut milk?*
*Cinnamon?”*

And plans
and surprises
and presents
and cards
yet to send

That used to me

I remember the exhaustion
and a head full of lists
I forgot what a gift it all was
that all the chatter
all the running around
all the creative problem solving
was a great source of light
as we approach the darkness
of the solstice,
a day so short
it takes my breath away.
Even now.

Yesterday
I panicked so hard
I had to flee

I am a little fae gypsy witch
with no need of her magic
for this year’s sacred holiday

Do I use my love for you
as an escape,
as a panacea
for a battered heart?
A remedy for the panic
caused by choices,
by decisions
I’m still not sure of?

Still

Sometimes it’s just me
on my patio at night
with my beating heart
and my unquiet mind
and my ghostly
winter trees
swaying
in the cold
night wind
reminding me
that sometimes
I have to let go
and face being
untethered.
Alone.

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